Unfinished Business

The Christmas season is so special in part because it brings our focus to the things that truly matter -- family, lifelong memories, giving generously and celebrating God's generous gift of our Emmanuel.

This year has been unlike any other for me when it comes to grasping the big picture and appreciating what has eternal value. My last post was about one such divinely appointed illustration sent my way for this purpose. And for the past couple months there has been another one that follows me around 24/7.

I've been battling an enemy that not only refuses to go away, but has picked up steam. A spleen problem that was diasgnosed early this year simply will not be ignored. It used to just send me a friendly reminder every so often when I turned a certain way in bed. Lately, it's a constant tormentor, growing larger and wreaking painful havoc on my breathing, eating, sleeping, concentration, you name it.

With it comes a kind of fear I haven't experienced before, made more poignant by the solitude of being in a new town without those established relationships that have always been there before to help me stand in tough times. I've worked hard to find my inner John Wayne, 'man up' and move forward, but this dark cloud has seeped into every area of my life and left its mark on everything.

The doctors can see that the spleen is many times bigger than it should be, but after multiple tests they still don't know why. It's just a symptom of a deeper problem. For that reason (and because my low platelet count would cause me to bleed to death), they can't just surgically remove it.

The whole tiresome episode has done nothing if not vivdly reveal the way Christ brings healing in our lives. But if we choose to gut it out with Him, it's never a superficial fix ...

There's pain. There's a visibly obvious cause for the pain. The obvious cause of the pain isn't the root of the pain, which God wants to heal. Taking out a troublesome organ may result in immediate relief, but it may be followed by mortality from some unseen, terminal illness.

Though it's been tempting at times, medicating it with painkillers would only mask the problem, and could introduce a whole other list of problems.

A number of diagnostic exams that I had avoided before are on the table again -- nasty things that require the use of local anesthetics and long needles. It may be that one of these is the only avenue to discover the real problem. Am I willing to suffer the short-term pain of this to allow the doctors to get to the heart of the matter? A few months ago my answer would've been "I'll pass." Now, I'll do anything -- just get me some whisky and a bullet to chew on.

There are no band-aids in God's little black bag. He wants to poke, probe, dissect and break, if necessary, but only to reset something that was 'healing' crooked and deformed.

Knowing how worn out I am from being stuck in this confusing and painful season, I'm convinced my compassionate Father is working to put this thing into another gear so I can finally get on with my life. Whether He's working on my spleen or my heart, His desire for me remains the same ... "But let patience have its perfect work that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." [James 1:4]